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ralphie may weight loss
-and one thing a white girl could do that just blew my mind? she could put her hair behind her ear. that just... oh, my god!
ralphie may weight loss, [dark electronic music] ♪ [man roars] [both snarling]
[man grunting] [gunshots] [zombie growls] [gun cocks] [gunshot] -an absolutely hilarious comic. i'm so lucky to have him here. you guys are gonna love him. please give it upfor lavell crawford, everybody.
let him hear it. - hell yeah, i'll tell youa story about me drowning. uh, yes, i drowned.i literally drowned. and the audience is like,"wow, that's amazing, "you being so large and buoyant. you--how would you drown?" well, it was--it was when i was smaller, if you can believe it. i was a little younger.i was a kid.
i was in this day campat this little day care where, you know, they--my mom, it was free, so she put me in the day care. we up there with these littlestupid-ass kids, and we was like 11 and 12,so he was-- i used to beat them up and take the peanut butterand jelly sandwiches, you know, and our counselor,she was, you know, she was--she smoked weed.
she was a--she was a whore. you know what i'm saying? she was nasty, and she didn'tknow what to do with us. we didn't have no artsand crafts or nothing. she didn't do shit with us. we just hung out, playing-- making up our own games, man-- "kiss me, you can finger me." you know, them little--
and that got old after a while and they ran out of hand soap, so that--that-- that wasn't gonna bea fun night, you know. you know, but i--when i-- and this--this day campwas in a, uh, you know,predominantly, you know, suburb--may i say,you know, like it is in here,more whites than blacks,
you know, and--and i used to live in the hood, you know, and when i gotaround white people, there was a lot of thingsthat was different. white people have season passesto six flags, and they could goa bunch of times. but the main thing wasthe white girls. that threw me for a loop. i had never seena white girl before. i had never seen nobody namedrebecca or samantha
or elizabeth, you know? i--i was around lakeeshasand sharondas. you know, chiquita, you know,that was my girls, and when i seen elizabeth, man,oh, my god. she was cute,she had red hair, and her cheeks were, like,rosy like a cartoon, like charlie brown, you know. little charlie brown girl youhad a crush on back in the day. her cheeks was red.
and one thinga white girl could do that just blew my mind? she could put her hairbehind her ear. that was so sexy to me! i was like, holy shit! do that again, elizabeth. she's like, "what are youtalking about?" oh, man, i was-- i'd break out in a cold sweat.i could--
i was in love with her from-- from that day on. i followed her everywhere. "please put your hairbehind your ears for me. just for the day." "lavell, i'm sick ofdoing this for you." oh! and--and this little--little girl that was from my neighborhood,her name was shakeesha.
she couldn't stand me 'causeshe loved me. she was--had a crush on me, but she was mad'cause i liked elizabeth. she went to the day camp too. "why you like that littleugly white girl? why you likethat ugly white girl?" i said "first of all,watch your damn mouth "around my white woman,all right? "you're being highlydisrespectful.
"second of all, shakeesha, can you put your hairbehind your ear? huh?" she said, "yeah, i can." she tried, and it popped out, and she tried again,it popped out. i said, "i ain't got no morefucking time for you, all right?" she said, "let me getsome hair oil." fuck that,i ain't got no time!
if you can't do it on your own,you don't need to do it at all. so, one--you know, one day,we was at day camp, and we was trying to-- we were supposed to go to a--a--you know, go do somethingwith the counselor, and she couldn't find outnothing to do, but she wanted to seeher boyfriend. i heard her on the phonetalking to him.
"i'm gonna come over, robert. "i'm gonna seeif i can get away. i'm gonna bring the kids overand let 'em go swimming." i heard her say it,and i was like, fuck it, i'll go swimming, if you gonna take us swimming. you know, kids love to swim,you know. i don't--i couldn't swim.i'm black. we don't swim.you know, black kids don't swim.
we learned later after one ofour friends died, we'd learn how to swim. you know? and we-- this is black swimming:when we're at three feet, we walking on the water, like, whoa, look at me,i'm swimming, player! we just go over and putour foot on the deep-- ooh, shit,i almost got in there! and that's how--that's how black--
that's howblack pool parties are. we don't go in the deep shit. we jump off the diving boardclose to the side and get out. if somebody try to push you,"bitch, i'll fuck you up, "if you push me again. stop playing.i just got my hair done." but we--we don't--we don't swim. but i wanted to go,and she said, "hey, guys, "i'm gonna take you overto my apartment complex,
but you can't tell anybodywhere we're going." 'cause she wasn'tsupposed to take us away from, you know,the day care center. we wasn't supposed to leavethe premises, but she doing some foul shit. she said--we went over there. she didn't even watch--she watched us for five minutes. we was unsupervised. all these 11, 12 years old,all by ourself.
and it was cool'cause i was trying to get up on beth anyway, so, you know,we jump in the water. i had on my little aquaman,uh, swim shorts. they tight up--a little tight up in my crotch. you know,i'm ready to get out there and follow beth around the pool. she was cool as long was we wasin, you know, three feet, but beth was tryingto get away from me.
apparently she wasn't as into meas i thought she was. but i was like,"what's wrong, beth? "come on, baby. slow down. put your hair behind your earand let's talk." you know, and she kept going,"leave me alone," and she just started floating,and i'm following her, you know, and i'm mesmermizedby her beauty, you know. her--the hair behind her earsjust have me hip-- hypmatized, and i'm--i'm following her
all the way over there,and then i noticed that i wasn't paying attention. i'm still walkingunder the water, but the waterover my damn nose. but i kept walking with her. next thing you know,she took off like a feather. just floating across the water,'cause she white. they know how to swim. she swam real well,like a damn mermaid.
and i went underthe damn water. i didn't know what--i'm under the water. bloop!i'm sitting around like... this is weird. why ain't i floating like beth? i don't know what i can do to get up on the waterlike beth, and man, this is weird, because i don't know why
i can't breathe now. and i'm under there,"this is bullshit!" i'm gonna...[sputtering]. and i didn't know what to do. i was trying to get up, but i couldn't get up,i couldn't get up. next thing you know,i've disappeared. in my mind, i was gone, and all i dreamed aboutis white women
just leaving meall over the place. and when i woke up, i'm laying onthe side of the pool. the camp counselor,she freaking out, like, "oh, shit, i'm gonnalose my fucking job." fuck me.hell with me. she didn't careif i was alive or not. she worried about her job'cause she wasn't even there. she was over there, probablydoing some ungodly shit
with her boyfriend, smelling like marijuana. and the paramedic's tryingto give me mouth-to-mouth, which, that woke me up, 'cause you ain't gonna putyour lips on me and i don't know you. i came through,and i threw up. i had died--they said i wasunconscious for ten minutes. i was dead! i died!
and i'm sitting there,like, damn, i--i died? and beth? where is beth? beth's stinking ass hadwent home with her parents. they had sent everybody home,and she left me. that dirty bitch. and after that, i didn't like white girls never again. i went back to shakeesha.
i said, "shakeesha, "i don't care if you can't putyour hair behind your ears. "can you swim? "fuck swimming. you gonna be my boo for life." that's my story.[applause] ♪♪
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